Positivity can be a struggle, and because writing is all about revision ~ just like life ~ the revised 'Sacrificial Introduction' would read like this:
I've started this second blog and I hope you like it!
I want to talk about personas right now. There are many I wear, some more realistic than others. Some are just in my head, let's face it: the one where I hacked the FBI database to prove Leonard Peltier's innocence (novella forthcoming - since that's as close to reality as I'm going to get on that one); or the one where I was born into some sort of Yugoslavian royal mafia that I'm trying to escape; or where I'm an aerialist for Cirque du Soleil and I have a twin sister named Mona - for some reason I'm Japanese in that persona? Anyway.
These are all just escapes from the reality that is me, and I think we all do this, unless maybe you're one of those people born with self-esteem or chutzpah or arrogance or an overly abundant sense of righteousness that our American culture just adores and pushes us to have that makes you look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Hot Damn! I'm awesome!"
I'm working on this, cuz Hot Damn! I'm awesome!
I've been told I'm nice. Yup, that's right nice. What the fuck's wrong with nice?
Personas: Truth is we're never happy with who we are (at least I'm not), hence the use of personas. Not like J. Edgar Hoover or anything, but there is a vision we hold of ourselves. We can't actually see ourselves, so we hold onto some sort of image. I want to be liked. We all want to be liked. The trouble is when it feels like you're pulling out a different persona to try and impress this person, then that person, etc. I do it too because I can't really believe that so-and-so would find me interesting or desirable or whatever, so I tend to try and create that image of myself that is frankly, unrealistic. It's not really me anyway. I have a day job (that I'm not really proud of, I feel like a sell out - but it's a good job nonetheless), but I'm also in grad school completing a Creative Writing degree because I made the decision to devote the time and money to something I truly love - so there's that; I'm not very tall, but who the fuck cares? Most people I like or "look up to", are not very tall - probably taller than me! But still...
How does one deal with this crap?
It's true. Positive thinking does wonders. It's the little steps. I keep a little diary
Oh christ.... and I've also started meditating. That shit helps!!! There I said it. I meditate.
Maybe one day I'll stop cursing in my writing, but let's hope that day never comes. Fuck!