Tainted Cake

Making a Bigger Mess Out of the Current Mess

2012-02-04T11:33:00.000-08:00

Ever notice how when you set out to clean, you only end up making things worse?
That seems to be the case here - so I figure it must be a universal phenomenon.

As I've begun nibbling away at Mount DunnoWhatToDoWithIt, the clutter has only spread.
Instead of it being one tall heap, it's slowly just melted into little pockets of things I don't know what to do with.

However, there is a solution!

Oddly, I learned this from writing - but, what I've learned is that, if you just keep plugging away, eventually
a) You know what to do with stuff, and
b) It gets done.

It might not look very pretty yet amongst the rubble of the grenade that went off, but things actually are falling into place.

I'm slowly working through the things I think I should post on E-Bay.

The pile of clothes that is - everything else is in a state of purgatory

I'm slowly working through the things known as: paperwork:

And there's a lot of it!

I think of all the things I have the hardest time getting sorted is all the papers. And it's not that I don't have filing, it's just that I have a hard time figuring out what needs to be filed, what I need to save, and what can just move out with the trash.

Also, since I'm a writer, I probably have more papers than most - we hold papers quite dear - any little scrap or scribble is potential gold, ya know? :)

The Writing Box

I've figured out a pretty good way to get this stuff organized so I can begin filing. Rather than rush out and start smacking labels on file folders, I started putting things inside a notebook, with a page from the notebook marked for what I will ideally label the folder for it. This way, I can see what things definitely need to be filed and what things maybe I can consider tossing out if there's just a single paper or something. Here's what this thing looks like:

And for things that I'm hanging onto, like memorabilia, that I haven't put into some sort of album or whatnot,

there are these really nifty plastic file folders, that are only 99 cents, to keep things organized until I can go through them and figure out how to display and keep them that's much prettier than just inside a plastic folder, but I highly recommend these things if you're a paper/photo hoarder like me!

Slowly but surely, whittling down the mountain ~

Not much to report here other than I am still breathing and alive amongst the current wreckage, but digging my way out.

Also - I haven't been very diligent about the whole Take Out process. It's really great to put stuff in the Take Out box (which has now overflowed into bags), but then one must actually, well, take it OUT! So, at the very least, I've begun hauling things down to the car so it can be ready to go.

Clearing Spaces: The Living Room - Getting Started

2012-01-30T17:38:00.000-08:00

Now I remember why I always start in the kitchen whenever I'm deciding what room to begin with, and that's because the kitchen, even when messy, is the most structured room in the house. There are drawers, cabinets, shelf space, etc. Whereas now, in the living room, I've entered the jungle.

It's much more difficult to navigate because:
1.) It's bigger, but more importantly
2.) There's more stuff, and
3.) Less structure

Not to mention it also houses the wayward corner otherwise known as "I Don't Know What To Do With It" Land.

Embarking on the Trail: Picking Your Route

DAY 1: consisted of stepping across the threshold of the kitchen and embarking on the first foothill of... whatever. This happened to be Kali's bed.

So that took up Day 1.

I didn't want to get rid of it. I didn't like the idea of moving it downstairs to the garage where it could potentially get dirty and possibly house a nest of baby spiders or something, so what I've decided to do is keep it since it's like an ottomon, and I'm going to get some fabric to cover it, give it new life, and put it in front of the fire. That's where Kali always wanted to be anyway.

DAY 2:
Moving toward the center of the room. This brought me to the lake of the carpet which required some generic clearing, organizing my DVD collection, etc.

DAY 3:
Arriving at Base Camp

Then - you just start nibbling. I started with what's closest. The pile of stuff that didn't sell on E-Bay. And then, the dead plant with the plastic flamingo and we'll call it a day.

This kind of just got spread out - I tossed some stuff in the Take Out box, and some stuff I'm re-posting, and some stuff is currently sitting on my project desk as I try to decide whether to sell or toss. I'm mostly in a quandry because it's stuff that is nice, that should sell, but it's not the right season. O retail!

And then the flamingo guarding the deathly plant ~

We'll come back tomorrow!

Clearing Spaces: The Kitchen Finale (I think)

2012-01-28T16:28:00.000-08:00

This concludes the Kitchen Clearing - at least Round 1. I'm going to wrap up the cupboards and drawers so we can move on to other areas of the house. How long did this take me?

The Last Cupboard

I used this for pet food primarily.

I don't see any reason to get rid of this - I used it to keep dry dog food. I may need it again for any pets I foster...

And in the meantime, it can keep the cat dish.

Now this stuff...

Is a hodgepodge - dish holder with random utensils and sun tea maker

The sun tea maker goes better in this cupboard with the canning jars...

And it just so happens I found this chamois cloth at Fred Meyer specifically for dishes - keeps the counter dry, rather than soggy, which was the main reason I put the dish holder away in the first place

ANOTHER EMPTY SHELF!

THE LAST DRAWER
Which is tied, ironically, to the utensils in the dish holder ~

Let's see what we have

(or, rather, how many of these DON'T match!)

Not to mention how many prongs on these forks are out of whack

since my dog over the years got ahold of them :)

KEEP

Keeping the ones that match and/or the ones that I particularly like

GOING

And thus concludes The Kitchen...
I was hoping for something more climactic, but I guess a fistful of utensils can be quite epic for some.

Stay tuned for: The Living Room

Clearing Spaces: Kitchen Cupboards Part 3

2012-01-27T16:35:00.000-08:00

THE PLASTIC CONTAINER CUPBOARD

These things manage to sprout and collect, and I think it's because I don't want to toss them for their environmental impact, but at some point, one has to come to grips with the fact that she's

a.) not using them, and

b.) lost the lids for many, rendering them useless anyway.

How to decide what to keep?

First, toss the items that have no lids, or you no very well you're not going to use them!

Canning jars stay - yes


Oh hey - I recognize this mixing bowl??? Let's grab that other one and put them together:

Strainer stays - but should go under the stove with the pots and pans

Can go!

KEEP:

The containers that have unique lids!

Since I reuse containers, this is a good way to know right away which lids go with what.

Also - these would make really great additions to my lunch drawer accessories

BOTTOM SHELF

TO GO

I got a new tea kettle for Christmas and the old one has been on the bottom shelf - so I think it's time for it to go.

And, Rearrange the Shelves

Nice and clean!

Clearing Spaces: Kitchen Drawers - Part 1 of 2

2012-01-26T20:16:00.000-08:00

In reality, I am out of the kitchen! But in blog reality, I'm not quite finished. So here is the first installment of clearing through the drawers.

FIRST DRAWER


Top Drawer: Pretty clean but even still, I was kicking myself for not buying another filter for my water pitcher, but lo and behold, I already have one right here! Even though it's in plain sight, if you're unaware what you have, you don't remember to even look.

2ND DRAWER: PET DRAWER

The Hard One

As usual, step 1 is to always take everything out to see what you have, and therefore be able to start deciding what you don't need.

My mom has a dog, so it's nice to give this stuff away rather than just throwing it out.

This is weird I know - but the weirdest things can have their emotional impact. This is something that the vet gave me to try and feed my cat with the night before she died. Just this thing was hard to let go - I tried to justify potentially keeping it by thinking maybe I'd need it if I foster a cat in the future... but I decided that it really needs to go because it carries such an emotional (negative) weight with it, that's it not an object that needs to be in the house. It's hard to let go - but, when you think about what you're making room for, that can help with the decision.

My cat's dish - which I decided not to let go. But rather, I chose a different location for it...

The pet food cupboard - which is upcoming on the list to be cleared -

What's left?

Gardening gloves -

They can go with the other gloves in the hallway

Moonflower seeds & Miracle Gro -

They can go in the cupboard with the fish food - I don't really have a gardening area, these are the only 2 gardening type things I have, so it makes sense for now.

and the clump of sticky Christmas window gels?

They can go into the scary hallway closet with the other Christmas decorations...

3rd Drawer: The Plastic Bag Drawer

This can go

All the other bags can get stuffed into this container where they belong

What happens when I take the drawer out to give it a clean?

Well, I find more bags....

4th Drawer: Reusable Bag Drawer

I have an overabundance of bags!

Let's do something about that.

3 "Lunch" Bags. Do I really need 3? The middle one I didn't even know I had because it was stuffed behind the drawers, and the red one I thought I lost, but it was just buried under all my other bags.

Also - do I really need 2 drawers for bags???

COMBINING INTO 1 BAG DRAWER


Adding 3 bags to the Take Out pile

Making 2nd Drawer into my Lunch Drawer

I'm really bad about taking my lunch with me. What better way to encourage this than to put all my lunch accessories into one place?

THE AFTERMATH

One empty drawer - whatever will I do with it?

Clearing Spaces: The Freezer - Eeeek!

2012-01-23T17:46:00.000-08:00

With the snowpocalypse last week I took the opportunity to empty my fridge and freezer in order to unplug it for 24 hours in the hopes that de-icing the freezer would get it to start freezing correctly. Which meant, I had to go through everything inside it! Scary! I ended up with more stuff heading out to the trash than actually keeping. Things tend to get stuffed in the freezer and forgotten about because, hey, it's a freezer! But things do have expiration dates, not to mention, they can still get funky - and they get extra funky in my freezer which is not working quite up to par. Enjoy the photoblog tour of my freezer ~

Don't even know what this is!

Yummy, except that....

This is what my freezer does ~

Expired cous cous - it's probably okay, but if I haven't eaten it since last year, it might be time to go

Strawberries - expired last June

Trash Bag 1

More expired strawberries

? Corn meal ???

Quinoa! Probably okay, but...

Freezer burned veggie patty

Expired few months ago

Freezer furred mangos

2 Trash Bags of ex-freezer tenants

Keepers

Oh my!

Here is the after - and I have plans to get some organizers in here in the future:

Clearing Spaces: Kitchen Cupboards - Part 2

2012-01-21T11:30:00.000-08:00

Now things are starting to get a little bit messier in terms of: Does it stay? or Does it go? This cupboard, not too badly organized, however, there are a few problems up in here:

THE COOKBOOKS
It contains all my cookbooks - and I put them up here because, frankly, I don't ever really use cookbooks. They're good to have - I know that if I want to make some sort of sauce, well I seem to have a book that contains 400 different kinds - and I can also learn how to make 750 cocktails apparently too :) Do I use them? Well NO. Do I get rid of them? Well, technically they're leaning toward the Clutter Out checkmark list, but I'm going to keep them (for now) because I want to be the type of person who uses cookbooks - and I've got some good ones!!! (I can hear the professional space clearers jeering at me already)

The questions to ask yourself when confronted with the question of Does It Stay or Go?:

Do I use it often?
Do I have space for it?
Is it something that's broken or unfinished?

My solution:
1.) Organize the cookbooks into categories

Cocktails; Sauces: Vegetarian Cookbooks; and, "General" cookbooks (Martha)

2.) Give them a space in the kitchen where I see them and can more easily access them

Like here!

I have nicely organized Smithsonian magazines - and stacked on top Real Change newspapers

Let's change this up!

1.) I'm putting the Real Change newspapers into the "I Don't Know What To Do With It" Box...

2.) Same for the Smithsonians, which I'm going to steal the plastic container from one set to...

MAKE WAY FOR THE COOKBOOKS

Now - I'm also hiding some additional "cookbooks" in a drawer - a year's worth of Vegetarian magazines, so in the interest of getting everything sorted into similar groupings, I think I need to get these incorporated:

Peel off the layer of other stuff to get to them first...

Move them to their new location:
Magazines and some of the thinner cookbooks go into the organizer, and the rest stacked against the wall:

Add a candle that was in need of a home for a little decoration


Don't really want to be looking at this ad everyday...

There - done and done!

THAT OTHER STUFF UP THERE

2.) While yes I have space for the things up there: mixing bowl, smoothie maker thing, etc. - there are some problems, like:

The thing's cracked!!!

And not just on one side -

2 sides!

This Hamilton Beach smoothie mixer thing?

I believe I've used it once and ended up scratching the metal cup thing -

but, I just don't use it, even if it is nice and shiny ;)

And this?

I don't even know what this is!!!

So, of everything up there, the only thing I know I've used is the metal mixing bowl I think I got at the Dollar Store. It needs a new home because it doesn't quite fit, so it's going to a different cupboard that I'll get to later:

So, what's left over?

A LOT OF SPACE!

Plastic pitcher can stay; fish food can stay...

And filling up the Take-Out Box

Clearing Spaces: Kitchen Cupboards - Part 1

2012-01-20T17:56:00.000-08:00

Like I said before, I'm starting with the easier stuff. This kitchen cabinet was another area that I previously organized, however as you go through your stuff, you still come across things you forgot were there - or didn't even know were there. Some of them can be happy surprises - and some of them, well - not so much. One reason I'm doing this blog and this whole task is to keep my mind off the fact that my dog is gone - and my cat too - so I'm feeling pretty lonely. I do think one of the hardest things to do, for anyone when they lose someone, is the question, "What do I do with the stuff?" My dog wasn't a person (obviously) so she didn't leave behind a mass accumulation of things, but still, as I'm going through, things crop up that remind me of her. Some things are very obviously still there, like her couch - and to be honest, I have things still around from my cat who died earlier last year as well that I didn't want to let go of right away, but I'm ready to now - doesn't mean it's really easy, but it's necessary.

So, as you go through your stuff, things come up. Just little things - and some are going to be more difficult to deal with. Do you throw it away? Do you move it to an intermediate space where you're more aware of it so you can perhaps get rid of it later when you're ready? I think these things will come up more and more as I go through the house. They have already and I'm not even out of the kitchen yet!!!

BEFORE

Cleaning supply cabinet and nest o'cords

THAT'S where I put the paper bags!

Can one have too many cords??? I'm thinking yes!

Especially since I seem to have:

1.) several of the same type of cord;

2.) a TV attachment to(ahem) bunny ears?!

3.) a 20' yellow 2-prong extension cord that I don't think I've ever used

BUT maybe I will use it!!! That's what the voices say :)

I'm thinking that if I haven't used it ever, I don't think I ever really will

What's left behind after the cord trimming:

What's going:

Added to the week's Take-Out Box!

Sad face :(

Carefully placed into the recycling bin

Bottom Shelf: After

Now - for all the cleaning supplies!

Everything I actually use goes into the neat little organizer carryall thing...

And everything I don't, goes away:

1.) The Method floor cleaner that I can't stand the smell of is going to Mom;

2.) Uhhhh, the EMPTY Simple Green bottle is going away; and so is the

3.) EMPTY Comet bottle; along with the

4.) 7th Generation powder dishwasher detergent that (sorry 7G) but DOESN'T WORK!!!

EL FINITO!

Clearing Spaces: Weekending + Doing Nothing

2012-01-14T14:35:00.000-08:00

Oftentimes on the weekends, all I want to do is pretty much nothing. And when I say "nothing" what I really mean is, "watch America's Next Top Model" or "Vampire Diaries."

So, what is one to do when you want to do that but you also feel that you "should" clean or be productive somehow?

Well - I do both!

I either wait for the commercials to jump up and run to my "area" where I'm cleaning, and do as many Power of 10's as I can before I hear the show come back on (which is fun, it's like a game) - or I do that, plus pause the show every 5 minutes or something and jump up and do another 10.

Who said you can't have your ANTM plus a clean house too??? :)

Clearing Spaces: Kitchen Cupboard + Project Area

2012-01-14T14:21:00.000-08:00

Preface:

What I'm going to show you I did over the course of 4 or 5 days (I bought the organizing boxes for my project area one day, I put stuff into the organizing boxes another day, I did the drawer a 3rd day, and the cupboard 4th or 5th day).

Where to start:

Whenever I start cleaning, I always pick an area in the kitchen. I started with the little kitchen counter that you saw in my explanation of the Power of 10. Now, as I get into the actual "clearing" aspect of all this, I decided to start with a pretty easy area for me, which is the cupboard next to the dishwasher - and I wish I'd taken photos of the drawer and cupboard before because TRUST ME! it did NOT look like this - what you're going to see is actual what it looks like after I went through both of these last year in an attempt to organize and clean up my place.

As you get into your cleaning and clearing, I think it's important to figure out where you want to set your "bar" for success. Personally, and let's be honest, I'm setting my bar pretty darn low. Because I want to be successful at this, and I want to know that I am improving my living space, albeit slowly. You can work as quickly as you'd like, but I think, similarly to an exercise routine, it's important to start slow because I know that as I get into the, shall we say, more deeply entrenched areas of my place (i.e. spaces that have things that are going to be more difficult to go through), I'll have this past build-up of successes that will hopefully help me get through them, and know that I can get through them. Plus, I have all of you out there reading and watching, which frankly is an added bonus and helps spur me on - we can do this!

Okay - Kitchen Drawer:


The before picture

Step 1:

Pick out the items you can see right away don't belong and put them where they should go*

*And I know they don't belong because I made a place for my main camera in my project desk, so when I saw these 3 cameras in here, I knew right away where they actually belong...


They belong here - inside the box I bought to fit my camera

Step 2:

Group "like" items together

This is my "doo-dad" drawer; and like I said before, I organized this drawer previously. I bought these little organizer boxes at Fred Meyer after I grouped all the things together I knew needed to be together - which therefore gave me an idea what size containers they would all need. I've got one for: Nails, batteries, outlet changers (for some reason I have many); miscellaneous (the button, screws, etc.); another sort of miscellaneous one (measuring tape, hook); nightlights, then there's a basket in back with bags of screws and instructions that go with various pieces of my furniture.

I also have a couple rolls of masking tape, and one roll of drafting tape. Given the space perameters, the masking tape went in back - and set on top of that are my little tool boxes. The drafting tape fits between one container and another, and shifting all this around freed up the space I needed for the hammer to have its own space rather than teetering on top, making it hard to get the drawer closed!

It's like a puzzle. Once you know what pieces need their own space, and what space you're trying to fit everything into, you can start figuring out how to get everything into its own space inside.

Step 3:

Clear away extraneous things

This is the tricky part - and why I started with this drawer because there's nothing in here really that I'm terribly attached to - though as I'm writing this I'm wondering if I should get rid of those 3 outlet changer things. What to ask yourself as you're trying to decide what to clear, pick out the things that:

a) don't work anymore

b) you don't or have never used and can't think when you will again

c) don't belong in your newly organized area

Going into the Take Out box (and recycling)

1.) squeegee attachment thing?;
2.) headphones: this particularly brand hurts my ears and I never use them - when mine break, I buy a different kind that doesn't hurt my ears
3.) drafting tape paper backing
4.) hook container wrapper
5.) microphone attachment? It's a single headphone with an attachment to... ?
6.) car charger for.... ?

4 of my 7 weekly Take Out items (the 2 paper wrappers went into the recycling bin)

Oh - and - my Project Desk (before and after photos)

AFTER

1 storage container for camera parts; 1 organizer for camera itself

1 storage container for sewing/craft materials I use the most


1 storage container for miscellaneous material (this is actually a "file storage" box but when you know what you're looking for, you can see stuff for what it is, to you :)

Hope everyone's having a great weekend!

Clearing Spaces: Power of 10

2012-01-12T19:33:00.000-08:00

As I explained in yesterday's blog, I use this technique to clear a space quickly. Picking up 10 items, no matter what they are and putting them where they need to go (away, trash, etc.) helps clean up a space fast. I really like it. For example, take my little countertop in the kitchen:

Pick up 10 things:

And put them where they need to go:

Repeat as necessary ~ that wasn't so hard. :)

Clearing Spaces: Tips, Tricks and... The Tour

2012-01-11T20:17:00.000-08:00

When it comes to cleaning there are people who are very good at staying organized, and then there are the rest of us. I wouldn't say that I'm terribly messy, but I don't think I would be able to disguise myself from other Messies. Wherever you find yourself on the spectrum of cleanliness, we're all in the same boat. I'm still learning skills and ways to think about organization so that it's not an entirely overwhelming or embarrassing subject any longer. I hope I can impart some ideas that are helpful to you so you can feel good about the space you live in. That in itself is of course the reward, living in an inviting home. It nurtures your soul and well cared for spaces return that wonderful energy to you on a daily basis.

What really got me started

A couple books have really helped throughout my life as I've moved from apartment to apartment and only now can I say I'm starting to feel like I live in a space that is healthy. That's because it's hard to know exactly if you live in a healthy space or not if you've never really known what it should feel like or look like. Growing up my family lived in a home that I would say was actually quite clean and organized but it didn't exactly reflect us. My room on the other hand was always incredibly messy. Clothes on the floor, books everywhere. It was terrible. And not to blame parents, but children don't know how to be organized unless they are taught these skills and also given tools, such as specified locations for all items. Then again, maybe many of us just don't have that gene. My mother is, not surprisingly, like me. Her house is "clean" but it really teeters on falling into an absolute slush pile of disorganization. She has boxes and boxes of things which may or may not be needed, but that's where they've remained. She doesn't have enough space for all the things she's keeping around, and like many of us, she'd like to get things organized but she goes catatonic at the actual prospect and doesn't know where to start. She feels defeated before she even begins. Basically, her "stuff" is winning.

I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I am very aware how difficult it is to let go of things. That sentence right there says it all doesn't it? It's probably the hardest thing in the world. For that reason, as we start on our space clearing, it's important to be gentle with yourself. Yes, it might just be a "thing" but for whatever reason, it may be difficult for you to let go and it's important to honor that. Honor it, and find out why it is you're having a hard time letting something go. And, while it's important to let things go, to free yourself from all of your "stuff" it's equally important to allow yourself more time if, for whatever reason, you can't bring yourself to let something go. You don't have to. Maybe you need to revisit the feelings that something brings up. Maybe it's an item that should have a better place in your home. Or, maybe it serves as a reminder of feelings you haven't quite dealt with and need to do something about before you can finally let it go.
In any case, cleaning and space clearing is like a spiritual quest. Your energy is tied to all of the things you own. That's something important to think about. All the many things that you own have a little thread of energy coming from you. For that reason, I know there are many items that don't, or no longer need, that thread coming from me.

The two books that have helped me are:
Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston
Apartment Therapy: The Eight-Step Home Cure by Maxwel Gillingham-Ryan

Karen Kingston's book is excellent at helping you look at your "stuff" and decide if you really need it.

And, like a person at the beginning of a diet and exercise routine, I took photos of my place, messiness and all. It's not terrible, but it has its excesses and like many of us I have a hard time figuring out where to start. I get overwhelmed. Where do I start?! The kitchen's a mess, but I want to do some sewing, but to do that I need to clear a space and the bathroom should really be cleaned and I have laundry - etc, etc and before you know it nothing's been cleaned and I'm still wondering where to start and anxious to start anywhere.
The most effective solution I've come up with is this, and I call it the Power of 10 which I find helpful and hopefully other Aspie's will find it helpful, or people with ADD or ADHD. Everyone's needs are different and everyone's style is different. This is what I've found to be most helpful.

The Power of 10
I go to any area of my house and I reach my hands out and pick up the first 10 items that I can see don't belong there. For whatever reason, whenever I start cleaning, I always start with the counter to the right of my stove. Perhaps because it's so narrow. Also, items in the kitchen tend to have a fairly straightforward purpose: trash/recycling, fridge/freezer, or sink/dishwasher. They either need to be tossed, stored, and cleaned.

Then repeat as necessary.

Fun Variations and Tricks:
Power of 100: You repeat the Power of 10, ten times. Don't attempt to pick up 100 items. Pick up 10. Put them in their place, and then repeat. If you pick up too many things, you'll get overwhelmed.

Time Yourself: If this appeals to you, time yourself for 5 minutes and see how many items you can pick up and put in their place. Again, only do the Power of 10 - don't pick up too much stuff. It's the little accomplishments, just 10 items already being put in their place and so quickly that keeps you going.

Off-and-On: If I'm having trouble attacking an area, I set my timer for 5 minutes, and I do the Power of 10 as many times as possible during that time, then I do something else for 5 minutes - maybe have a movie on, I watch for 5 minutes, clean for 5. If I want to watch for longer intervals, then I make sure to clean for longer intervals too. In any case, you're getting something done, so good on you!!!

THE TOUR
And as promised, a tour of my resolutionary project :)

Entryway

Bathroom at the moment - eek

Shower - hey that's not too bad

What's behind the door.... The shelves are actually "organized" - the laundry, well...

Kitchen

Kitchen counter

Stove/Fridge

My "recycling bin"

The sink (left)

The sink (right)

Moving into the living room


MY VERY ORGANIZED BOOK SHELF!

What happened after I took all my books off the shelf, organized them into categories and cleared out the "crap" to make way for a nice little mailbox section (aka the space between the Buddha tummies)

My "desk"

My sewing/project area

My other organized bookshelf with leftover "projects" from Christmas

Project area

The dreaded wasteland known as "Stuff I Don't Know What To Do With So I'm Putting It Here For Safekeeping" (with a fairly organized dresser in the background)

Couch

DVD shelf that vomited them all up one day

Bedroom - and I'm quite proud of this! Another example of what can happen - it looked nothing like this until one day I figured out a better way to organize and situate my furniture. I love it now!

But I still have to do laundry - and I have too many clothes.

Shoe shelf (and drying derby gear rack)

Eek - the hallway closet that I can't photograph well because frankly, I can't move the doors either way

Hallway closet - don't EVER open the door!

And I didn't even photograph the garage yet!

Clearing Spaces, Healing Places

2012-01-10T21:39:00.000-08:00

My last year was a major bum out and I don't think I've yet recovered exactly my sense of purpose in life from it. Toward the beginning of the year, my cat got incredibly sick out of the blue and had to be put down. This was very unexpected and difficult. I thought she would far outlive my dog. But, that wasn't the case. I thought I'd recovered mostly from that, and having my dog around helped because I wasn't so alone. My household went from 3 to 2. 2's not so bad.

Then, my dog, who was 11, one day just couldn't walk. Her back legs were paralyzed. This was about 5 weeks before Christmas. She'd had signs of arthritis over the past year, but some medications had helped with that, and it wasn't anything unusual for an older dog. But with her legs not working, the vets determined she had a herneated disc in her back that a) even with surgery they weren't sure it could be rectified, not to mention the fact that surgery would cost $7,000 they said, but b) the herneated disc could be the result of cancer. My dog was a pitbull, and she weighed 60 pounds. To take her out, I wrapped a belt underneath her and we hobbled out the door, and then down 2 flights of stairs and back. My building unfortunately doesn't have an elevator. I found a doggy wheelchair through Craigslist and I drove in a frenzy for 2 hours to the boondocks to retrieve it from a family whose dog had obviously used the wheelchair in its last days too. Unfortunately the wheelchair, it worked, but she was still in too much pain to move around much. We had her on steroids and pain meds but, and as any pitbull owner knows, a pitbull who actually shows they're in pain, is in a serious amount of pain. They're otherwise so very stoic and have a high pain tolerance. She groaned every step of the way when I had to move her, and she also couldn't sleep very comfortably trying to maneuver her legs.

It was 3 weeks before Christmas that I came to grips with the fact that it was time. I physically couldn't carry her and she wasn't going to get any better. Since she's been gone, I've been fairly lost and so many words: numb, sad, depressed. I know I had her for over 10 years, but even I wasn't prepared for just how difficult it's been with her gone, coming home to an empty house, no longer having someone who's depending on me, is there when I wake up, when I get home, who's waiting for me to take her out or feed her. I'm still amazed just how much of a hole she's left in my life. I know I'm free now to do anything I want. I can go anywhere I want, live anywhere since it's just me, but I'm finding it hard to even get off the couch, and it feels like I'm barely holding it together at work. Work is a welcome and unwelcome distraction.

Basically, I don't know what my life's about anymore or where to go. And with the new year, I intend to find that out. I'm not sure how but I have this incredible amount of space that needs tending to, if for no other reason than to give me some semblance of structure.

My New Year's Resolution:

Clear up

Clear out
my living area and in the process my own psyche - at least, that's the hope anyway.

If you'd like to join me, this is what I'll be doing ~

The Game:
Delete 1 item from your belongings each day

The Rules:
1.) Choose an area to clean each day or week
2.) Put 1 item in the Out Box every day*
3.) Take said items away once a week
*If you miss a day, just make sure 7 items are in the Out Box by Take Out Day!

THE FAQ'S
What counts as an item:
1. Any object
*Update: Any object that has been in your home taking up space - an item that you've allowed to take up residence (and I'm not talking about dishes that have mold on them).

FAQ's
What about trash?
I've gone back and forth on this and I think, even for myself, I can't let myself count this. Since I'm incorporating cleaning, and I think from this point forward I will use the word cleansing, it's much more fun to think about rather than cleaning, blech - therefore, while ridding trash from your place is necessary, it's just the frosting on the cake. Clearing is about trimming away the unnecessary objects in your life's inventory. I think we all know what in our space is trash and what constitutes an actual "item" that requires some deliberation and possibly even anxiety or agony to consider letting go of. More on this later, but this is just the beginning.

I found a lot of items to get rid of, can I count them toward this and next week's goal?
Sure. Why not!

I found several of the same thing to get rid of - how should I count this?
This is your call. I've been counting items based on the amount of time it takes me to decide to get rid of it. For instance, I found several candle holders that I knew right away needed to go, so although there are 3 of them, I'm counting them as 1. Whereas, the box of dishes and bowls that took me awhile to decide to part with, I'm going to compromise and count as 3 (1 for the big dishes, 1 for the small dishes, and 1 for the bowls).

Where should I start?
First start thinking of the hidden places in your house or apartment, places where you're already storing things, things that you probably don't need, probably don't even remember are there. For me, I'm going to start with my storage area downstairs in the garage. I don't even know what's down there - but I will let you know.

You could also start with what's right in front of you. What do you tend to buy a lot of? Or keep? Is it clothes - magazines - books - etc.? You could start there if you're ready to dive in. But if you're not quite ready to take things away that are right in front of you, start with the things that you don't see everyday, like you're garage or storage area or closet.

Maybe you want to start with the place you really want to clear or the items you know you need to trim down. It's all up to you, this is your journey. Or just follow me and watch what happens :)

Staging the Holidays: A How-To Guide

2011-12-05T21:46:00.000-08:00

X-MAS EVE with THE WILLIAMS:
aka My Mother’s Side of the Family

Participation in the now-named Gift Exchange is required (we used to do Secret Santa but my family is made up of militant card carrying AD(H)D folks who pride themselves on forgetting a) we were even doing this, or b) getting the names wrong so some years some people got nothing while others get multiple presents – I’m the odd one out. I don’t have AD(H)D). Now we have a list. A visual list. Everyone knows who’s giving to who, and who’s getting from who.

The list of the gift exchange will be e-mailed to you several times because my mother has a stranglehold on it and insists she can do it. The first list will be in a format no one can open. The second will be in a format we can open, but the list will be wrong. The third will be accurate but no one can open. The fourth will be the right one.

The person you are to give a present to will never tell you what they want for Christmas, so you just have to guess.

You may want to tell the person who’s giving to you what you would like for Christmas… good luck with that! You most likely have someone who doesn’t use e-mail and prefers hand written letters, in which case, they won’t give you their mailing address or will claim it was eaten by a pack of rabid wolverines. Just go with it. It’s only $30. That’s the requirement. No presents may be given which have been paid less than that amount.

Gift cards are bad ideas. You will be met with groans and the phrase, “Thanks – but I never use these. I think I have several in my wallet from previous years.”

Festivities occur the day before Christmas at Grandma & Grandpa’s house. Guests arrive around 5 and stay until precisely one hour later than the previous year. Last year it was 1 a.m., this year it will be 2 a.m., and so on and so forth until one year we just show up and leave again.

There will be ham.

There will be a vegetable tray with dip.

There will be meatballs. Sometimes my uncle sticks little carrots in them and makes them into penguins.

I’m vegetarian. If you are too, I advise eating prior to knocking on the door.

There will be the following dessert appetizers: dipped frosted Ritz crackers, peanut butter-chocolate circle things (biscuits? Cookies?) – whatever, just eat them, they’re good; round (biscuits? Cookies?) with chopped up (nuts? Chocolate?) I can’t decide if I like them or not; and then, if you’re lucky, there will be Nanaimo bars. One year there were no Nanaimo bars because my Grandma deemed the bars solely liked by my cousin who wasn’t going to be there. Even after we all complained that year we liked them too, they are still linked to his name in her mind. If she makes them, eat them. Quickly.

There will be hot buttered rum. There will be hot buttered rum mix, and a leeeeeeeeetle bit of rum. Our ancestors are Puritans after all. Wait til you meet the other side of my family…

Presents will not be opened until everyone is so doggedly tired they want to go home. It’s just how it is. At some point, someone has to say, “It’s time to open presents.” You could do this yourself, although it’s good to have a partner because this will indubitably take another half hour from the first suggestion to the next for the idea to sink in with everyone else. No one wants to appear greedy – but if you want to leave before 2 a.m. this is how you do it.

Presents are opened. Wonderfulness ensues – now that we have the gift exchange sorted out and everyone receives a gift that is (if I sound bitter it’s because I have been on the not-receiving end more than once – never gonna let it go).

Everyone departs slowly but surely. It will take you an hour to get out the door, so plan accordingly. First you must motion to leave, start gathering your things, slowly truck them toward the door, give a round of hugs and make eency little steps toward the door as people will keep talking to you and starting new stories.

The End

*ADDENDUM: You may find that you’ve attended a Christmas Eve where entertainment was required of you. Don’t feel bad if you weren’t made aware of this. Trust me – nobody else was either.

X-MAS DAY with THE KLENAK’S (and Zinovich’s):
aka The Other Side of the Family

Let me first explain: I am a Klenak – my grandpa was from Serbia. My grandmother, from

Croatia

. My grandmother had 2 kids before my dad, my aunt and uncle, with another man, a Croatian. His name was Zinovich. My grandparents are gone, but the bitching remains about how Yugoslavian everyone truly is.

<- (I don't know who that guy is.)

The bar is to your left as you walk in. There will always be: Absolut vodka, a bottle of Squirt, and faded cans of Coke that have been on the back porch for over a year. In the fridge is orange juice to make a Screwdriver, and white wine.

There are 2 TV’s, one in the kitchen next to the bar and one the size of the living room wall in the living room. Both will be on. Each will be playing sports.

Arrival Instructions:

People will already be drunk and you’ll be greeted with loud and raucous “Hey there’s (insert your name here)” and “Where the hell ya been?!”

Set your presents down in the living room under the tree which is always color coordinated with new colors every year. Last year I think it was blue and magenta.

My uncle will be in his chair in the kitchen watching the game or in his chair in the living room watching the game. If you like sports, feel free to unwind on one of the many recliners in the living room but don’t make too much chitchat. The game’s on!

Fix yourself a drink. If you don’t, someone else will.

My aunt will be keeping an eye on dinner and never sits down.

PRESENTS

This usually starts with a phrase from my aunt that goes something like, “Well what the hell, better open presents for chrissake it’s already 3 o’clock!”

Then you find a chair and people start handing you boxes with your name on it. Everyone opens in a free-for-all under the urging of my aunt who wants to get this over with and complains about how she never knows what to get anyone.

Then there’s some manner of show n’tell as the wrapping and ribbons and bows are stuffed into a large trash bag simultaneously.

DINNER

There will be lamb.

There will be sauerkraut.

There will be potatoes sopped in lamb juice.

There will be salad with cut radishes and lettuce and cucumbers soaked in vinegar.

There will be store-bought yellow rolls that I have never seen anywhere except at my aunt’s dinner table, and they are delicious.

My aunt doesn’t eat. If you ask the answer is, “Helen doesn’t eat! Helen never eats!”

My uncle will drink a glass of milk which my aunt brings to him toward the end of the meal.

Then my aunt will ask if anyone wants pie, yet?! To which everyone groans No, not yet! And my uncle takes his walker back into the living room to watch the game in there.

UNO

It’s not necessarily required, but if you’re going to visit the Yugoslav’s you have to play Uno. If you’ve never played, you’ll be bullied into playing so best be prepared. And we’re ruthless. We don’t care if you’re a beginner. We’ll strap you with Draw 2’s, Draw 4’s, etc.

About halfway through our goal of 2,000 points we’ll have pie: lemon meringue, apple, and a berry one.

Just before someone goes out, or just after, talk always turns to money.

When they start talking about taxes, it’s time to go home.

OPTIONAL: Bring your own polka music or accordion. They'll love you forever!!!

Happy Holidays everyone!

Be sure to check out Lupe Mendez's blog for tomorrow's next stop on our Holiday Blog Tour 2011

And for past and upcoming blogs, see below:

Dec. 2 Julia Amante

Dec. 3 Radames Ortiz

Dec. 4 Deborah Grace Staley

Dec. 5 Zoraida Cordova

Dec. 6.Danielle Klenak

Dec. 7 Lupe Mendez

Dec. 8 Natasha Oliver

Dec. 9 Maria Ferrer

Dec. 10 Sidney Williams

Dec. 11 Toni Plummer

Dec. 12 Mayra Calvani

Dec. 13 Kristy Harding

Dec. 14 Thelma Reyna

Dec. 15.Sylvia Mendoza

Dec. 16 Regina Tingle

Dec. 17 Teresa Dovalpage

Dec. 18 Mirta Espinola

Dec. 19 Kim Brown

Dec. 20 Gwen Jerris

Dec. 21 Paula Altschuler

Dec. 22 Caridad Pinero

Dec. 23 Teresa Carbajal Revet

Dec. 24 Icess Fernandez Rojas

Holiday Blog Tour 2011

2011-11-25T12:22:00.000-08:00

I and 22 of my other writer friends have put together a holiday blog tour - 23 nights of different blogs and different writers. We are all working away on Christmas/holiday related stories that will be uploaded on our assigned day. Mine is December 6th, so look forward to seeing a new story from me on that day at my blog: dvklenak.blogspot.com! I'll be posting reminders here as well as promoting their blogs as well.

Happy Holidays!
D.V.K.

Time Keeps Running, Even When You Want It To Stop

2011-08-26T01:00:00.000-07:00

You never know when it will be the last time you see someone. I unfortunately learned a few days ago that a good friend and colleague of mine passed away. She'd been battling cancer for several years. In fact, she came to the Master's program for Creative Writing in order to write her memoir about her struggle with it. She and I started school together, we were in the same advising group together for our first two semesters, and the school I attend is very small. We're a tight knit group. We all complete our work from wherever we happen to live in the US and abroad, but for one full week, twice a year, we attend residency together where we live together, eat together, attend workshops together. It's very intense and life altering. I highly recommend low-residency programs, particularly the one at Goddard College.

She and I also ended up taking the same semester off. Yet, we both returned and for the same reason: that, doing this program is a gift to ourselves. Regardless of money or anything else superfluous to completing the degree, the act of pursuing it is essentially the gift. She didn't attend this past semester because the cancer came back. I know she fought very hard. I also know that, the last semester we attended together, she said something along the lines of, "I'm tired about writing about this - I want to write about life!" She did start writing about her family and all the things that were most important to her rather than this thing.

I've been in shock since I got the news on Monday. It's hard to accept that she's gone. I keep saying to myself, "But I knew her!" Not just like I knew her name, I mean, I knew her! She was a very sharp, positive, supportive person. And funny! She had a great sense of humor. In our second semester, I read the beginning to my novella about a cat, and it's a disgusting hairless cat that is described by its new owner as 'a beast.' Later she was talking about having to wear wigs or hats during chemo, and she said, "Because if I didn't I would look like, well, The Cat!" Then she busted up laughing.

She always wore shirts with Peace signs on them. She bonded much more with some of the other girls at school who I know knew her better than I did, but she was still a friend of mine. It's been sobering. And sad. I'm re-evaluating things in my life, as you do when things like this happen, and more than realizing, but I think remembering, what's important and wherein the true gifts of this life reside. That's with family and friends, trusting yourself enough to follow your heart, indulge your passions: Let yourself live.

In memory of Katy Zirbel ~ because she did indeed live.

Extra Sugar Recommended

2011-08-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

It's days like today that I have to remind myself that, "If you love someone, let them go." And hope they come back.

It's also days like today where bad dates can be just a little too disappointing I wish I'd stayed home. I suppose every bad date just puts me one step closer to being with the right person. But, I wonder sometimes...

I see a person I have a crush on be with someone else. I see a person I used to date be with someone else. What can I say - some days just plain stink! But I know that tomorrow will be better, and the day after that, and the day after that. I think of days like today as a way of re-centering. When things get so dark, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know it's there - I've been here before. It's not about being happy 100% of the time - it's about accepting your faults and weaknesses and sometimes we just need to indulge in a crap day. It's refreshing! Moves that stuff out. Detox.

So for now, looking forward to the rain letting up and seeing the sun tomorrow.

Sweet dreams xoxo

Signs

2011-08-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

There are signs that tell us where to go, when to go, how to go. Mechanically anyway, there are signs. There are Stop signs, there are stop lights, go lights, slow lights. There are traffic revision signs. Detour signs. Don't feed the raptor! signs. All sorts of signs. We live with signs and don't think much of them.

What about other signs along the way? I had the experience today that I was thinking about, actually I had a running dialogue in my head, about this worry I've been having, whether it's going well or isn't. Am I being too optimistic or is this real? What is real? Is pessimism more real than opti-? And then a red bug flew past my face and landed on the wall next to me. It was a ladybug.

I take things like that as signs. Which might mean I'm just crazy, but that's how I roll. I see a ladybug fly past my face as I'm having a heated internal dialogue about something, and I take that as a sign for, "Luck." Maybe, maybe not - but the feeling inside at least is, everything's okay. Babe, you're on the right track.

I can't imagine this doesn't happen to other people. At the very least, we've all experienced the kneejerk reaction when we hear a song that used to be "our" song - or at least the song that made you think of someone special. You're immediately flooded with emotion that would match how you'd react if the person were actually standing in front of you: happiness, sadness, anger, irritation, whatever.

I also recently experienced, while debating about whether I should go this direction or that direction in my life, should I join this group or that group, that's when I looked up and saw an ad for one of the groups I'm debating joining. I didn't take that as a full throttle 'answer' but it definitely added to the sway of that group. And why? Just because I happened to look up and see their poster? Well... yeah.

I think the answers are out there, we just have to pay attention.

Because It's Friday... And We Want What We Want

2011-08-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

And I'm feeling a bit lazy and slightly melancholy, I don't have anything terribly witty to write today. I could tell you that I ate pho last night and burnt my tongue, I rode my bike to the cupcake shop and spent about two hours staring at some pages that needed editing of which I think I got through, oh... half a paragraph? I could also tell you I booked a massage for myself tonight... which reminds me, I was actually going to write a little something about that.

Picture a girl who's down in the dumps, no specific reason, just stressed and worried - she's been fixating for awhile on a certain issue and frustration (I realize I'm being vague, but it's so you can input yourself here too) - and she has a momentary realization, which is this: I've been fixating on the lack of something, but what would it feel like to have it? Well, it would feel like this! Happiness. We don't have to punish ourselves because we don't have the things we want, we can actually have them now, just maybe not in exactly the precise form we're hoping for. If you're lacking in love, you can give that to yourself (that sounds perverted, but you can take that any way you want). I'd like to be getting flowers, well I can buy them for myself - I'd like to be giving someone a massage, well, I can get myself a massage. I'd like to be going to dinner with someone, I can take myself out.

Same applies for things we want or people we'd like to be. I want to be a superstar (insert whatever - author). There's no harm in writing the words: I am a famous author - on a piece of paper and putting that in your wallet, is there? And, you can tag on whatever else you want. Rich... I've published thirty spy novels and won 11 Edgar Allan Poe Awards, or whatever. I'm the awesomiest awesome paraglider to ever fly the friendly skies.

Hmmm - and I was just going to post a link as my cop out for the day, which is this guy's blog I stumbled across. He has a lot of great motivational and inspirational articles, and what I liked is that his articles are easy to relate to, they're not preachy or glaringly Tony Robbins'ish - instead, they're actually helpful!

So take a look: http://howtotrulylive.com/

Have a great weekend!

Take 2

2011-08-18T10:01:00.000-07:00

Positivity can be a struggle, and because writing is all about revision ~ just like life ~ the revised 'Sacrificial Introduction' would read like this:

I've started this second blog and I hope you like it! because my "writing" blog is supposed to be more stuffy I guess and have less personal crap on it. I'm fine with that - especially considering I haven't posted much to it and honestly, I should have a web site rather than a blog. I think that's the 'correct' way to go? But that's neither here nor there.

I want to talk about personas right now. There are many I wear, some more realistic than others. Some are just in my head, let's face it: the one where I hacked the FBI database to prove Leonard Peltier's innocence (novella forthcoming - since that's as close to reality as I'm going to get on that one); or the one where I was born into some sort of Yugoslavian royal mafia that I'm trying to escape; or where I'm an aerialist for Cirque du Soleil and I have a twin sister named Mona - for some reason I'm Japanese in that persona? Anyway.

These are all just escapes from the reality that is me, and I think we all do this, unless maybe you're one of those people born with self-esteem or chutzpah or arrogance or an overly abundant sense of righteousness that our American culture just adores and pushes us to have that makes you look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Hot Damn! I'm awesome!" ~~I might squeak this, to myself, in my head, a few times a year only because my therapist ordered me to. And then spend the rest of the day feeling like an arrogant bastard.~~

I'm working on this, cuz Hot Damn! I'm awesome!

I've been told I'm nice. Yup, that's right nice. What the fuck's wrong with nice? ~~Nice.~~ ~~Who wants that?~~ People say it like that's a bad thing. Maybe it is. I could attempt to be an asshole, but I just don't really care enough. I have a quiet voice. People don't want quiet - they want LOUD, FERFUCKSAKE! That's what America's built on - LOUD! Death to quiet people, right? I might not be able to scream as loud as you at the bar - and if I yell your name down the street you'll keep walking because you didn't hear me - it takes awhile to get to know me because I don't wear a suit made of survey questions I answered - that's the way it is. And here's the thing about us quiet people. We heard everything you said... think about that.

Personas: Truth is we're never happy with who we are (at least I'm not), hence the use of personas. Not like J. Edgar Hoover or anything, but there is a vision we hold of ourselves. We can't actually see ourselves, so we hold onto some sort of image. I want to be liked. We all want to be liked. The trouble is when it feels like you're pulling out a different persona to try and impress this person, then that person, etc. I do it too because I can't really believe that so-and-so would find me interesting or desirable or whatever, so I tend to try and create that image of myself that is frankly, unrealistic. It's not really me anyway. I have a day job (that I'm not really proud of, I feel like a sell out - but it's a good job nonetheless), but I'm also in grad school completing a Creative Writing degree because I made the decision to devote the time and money to something I truly love - so there's that; I'm not very tall, but who the fuck cares? Most people I like or "look up to", are not very tall - probably taller than me! But still... ~~apparently I'm supposed to be tall, it makes your legs thinner, your hair straighter, and your skin tanner (according to this incredibly sane logic);~~ there are things about my face that are imperfect, but imperfection is far more interesting ~~if I could only tweak them just a tad, even by like 1 degree, would make the whole package that much prettier;~~ I've never been in trouble with the law, I'm a do-gooder by nature, which naturally makes me ~~I'm not~~ a rebel (Everyone loves a rebel! And artists are naturally rebels) - I do think I stole a Dum-Dum out of a candy bin when I was little~~; not loud (already said that); repeats oneself (1 demerit!); self-deprecating (You're not supposed to be doing this! 2 Demerits!!!)... Well, you get the idea.~~

How does one deal with this crap?

It's true. Positive thinking does wonders. It's the little steps. I keep a little diary ~~(like an asshole)~~ documenting my little accomplishments. I'm returning to a sport. I document little things I do that contribute toward my skill set there. I document what I do every day with my writing, what I worked on, where I got to. And, yeah, I've finally given in on keeping track of 'feelings.' Mostly to help keep me from careening into the big black sinkhole that I can often take myself to.

Oh christ.... and I've also started meditating. That shit helps!!! There I said it. I meditate.

Maybe one day I'll stop cursing in my writing, but let's hope that day never comes. Fuck!

Sacrificial Introduction

2011-08-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

I've started this second blog because my "writing" blog is supposed to be more stuffy I guess and have less personal crap on it. I'm fine with that - especially considering I haven't posted much to it and honestly, I should have a web site rather than a blog. I think that's the 'correct' way to go? But that's neither here nor there.

I want to talk about personas right now. There are many I wear, some more realistic than others. Some are just in my head, let's face it: the one where I hacked the FBI database to prove Leonard Peltier's innocence (novella forthcoming - since that's as close to reality as I'm going to get on that one); or the one where I was born into some sort of Yugoslavian royal mafia that I'm trying to escape; or where I'm an aerialist for Cirque du Soleil and I have a twin sister named Mona - for some reason I'm Japanese in that persona? Anyway.

These are all just escapes from the reality that is me, and I think we all do this, unless maybe you're one of those people born with self-esteem or chutzpah or arrogance or an overly abundant sense of righteousness that our American culture just adores and pushes us to have that makes you look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Hot Damn! I'm awesome!" I might squeak this, to myself, in my head, a few times a year only because my therapist ordered me to. And then spend the rest of the day feeling like an arrogant bastard.

I've been told I'm nice. Nice. Who wants that? People say it like that's a bad thing. Maybe it is. I could attempt to be an asshole, but I just don't really care enough. I have a quiet voice. People don't want quiet - they want LOUD, FERFUCKSAKE! That's what America's built on - LOUD! Death to quiet people, right? I might not be able to scream as loud as you at the bar - and if I yell your name down the street you'll keep walking because you didn't hear me - it takes awhile to get to know me because I don't wear a suit made of survey questions I answered - that's the way it is. And here's the thing about us quiet people. We heard everything you said... think about that.

Personas: Truth is we're never happy with who we are (at least I'm not), hence the use of personas. Not like J. Edgar Hoover or anything, but there is a vision we hold of ourselves. We can't actually see ourselves, so we hold onto some sort of image. I want to be liked. We all want to be liked. The trouble is when it feels like you're pulling out a different persona to try and impress this person, then that person, etc. I do it too because I can't really believe that so-and-so would find me interesting or desirable or whatever, so I tend to try and create that image of myself that is frankly, unrealistic. It's not really me anyway. I have a day job (that I'm not really proud of, I feel like a sell out - but it's a good job nonetheless), so there's that; I'm not very tall, apparently I'm supposed to be tall, it makes your legs thinner, your hair straighter, and your skin tanner (according to this incredibly sane logic); there are things about my face that if I could only tweak them just a tad, even by like 1 degree, would make the whole package that much prettier; I've never been in trouble with the law, I'm a do-gooder, I'm not a rebel (Everyone loves a rebel!) - I think I stole a Dum-Dum out of a candy bin when I was little; not loud (already said that); repeats oneself (1 demerit!); self-deprecating (You're not supposed to be doing this! 2 Demerits!!!)... Well, you get the idea.

How does one deal with this crap?

It's true. Positive thinking does wonders. It's the little steps. I keep a little diary (like an asshole) documenting my little accomplishments. I'm returning to a sport. I document little things I do that contribute toward my skill set there. I document what I do every day with my writing, what I worked on, where I got to. And, yeah, I've finally given in on keeping track of 'feelings.' Mostly to help keep me from careening into the big black sinkhole that I can often take myself to.

Oh christ.... and I've also started meditating. That shit helps!!! There I said it. I meditate.

Maybe one day I'll stop cursing in my writing, but let's hope that day never comes. Fuck!